Thursday, April 24, 2014

Teen Claims Men Don't Walk In Space

DULUTH, MN (API) – Ricky Kessler, an unemployed 17-year old high school dropout from East Bethel, MN, has filed a lawsuit in federal court to prevent the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) from referring to astronaut’s trips outside the international space station as “space walks”.

“Its bullshit,” said Kessler.  “Those guys aren’t walking anywhere.  They’re floating.  It’s a space float. They’re floating like I did in the shallow end of my parent’s pool when I was like five years old.”

NASA spokesman Dr. Thor Maggnuson vehemently disagrees.

“Obviously  these heroic, highly skilled astronauts are taking their lives into their hands by making these space walks to make repairs on outboard computers on the space station,” said Maggnuson.  “They are clearly making ‘space walks’.  I know what I’m talking about and would put my PhD up against this punk kid’s GED any day.”

“My ass,” says Kessler.  “Walking is defined as an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step.  Watch the video.  These astronauts aren’t even moving their legs.  If one were to be pushed by another and not be tethered to the spacecraft he’d float away into space, completely unable to walk back.  And why the hell do they put computers on the outside of the freaking space station?”

The lawsuit is scheduled for a pretrial in federal court in five weeks.


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