Thursday, October 16, 2014

Seahawks Offer Domestic Violence Workshop

SEATTLE (AIP) – The Seattle Seahawks, in cooperation with the NFL’s support for National Domestic Violence month, will hold a workshop featuring several top players and coaches at Centurylink Field this Saturday to make men more aware of the effects of domestic violence at home.

“Domestic violence isn’t about bruises and broken teeth,” said Seahawk All Pro right tackle Guy Bancroft. “It’s about intimidation and control. It’s about showing the bitch who the boss is without getting arrested. NFL player understand this concept.”

Teammate DeAngelo Waller agreed.

“Punch your baby’s momma in the face she might learn a lesson but she’ll also be sporting a black eye or require a dental procedure,” said Waller. “A quick, sharp blow to the back of the head is just as likely to concuss the bitch and will leave no visible bruising because it’s above the hairline. It’s one way to teach her a lesson and not leave photographable evidence.”

The workshop will deal with many challenging questions related to domestic violence, such as the problem of modern video surveillance, what screams really mean and preferable time and place to teach lessons.

“It’s the age old question,” said Bancroft. “Is it better to score a blow during a verbal confrontation or wait till things cool down and then the sucker punch? We’re going to hold a roundtable discussing on that.”

Team spokesman Marc Vanderman said that the team is looking forward to helping men in the community learn to do more than just slap a woman’s face.

“We’ve got a couple guys on the team that have actually pioneered the at home waterboarding of their significant others,” said Vanderman. “It’s surprisingly easy and affordable. All you need is an incline board, a towel and a bucket of water. When it’s over there are no visible marks, but the psychological scars are just as really as a gut punch to a three-month pregnant bitch.”

The workshop begins this Saturday at 11:00 a.m. at Centurylink Field and the public is welcome to attend. Men are encouraged to bring their spouses or girlfriends for some of the interactive classes.

No comments: