TALLAHASSEE (AIP) – Citing the old adage to ‘stick with what works’ the presidents of Florida’s three major university football powerhouses – Florida State University, the University of Florida and the University of Miami – have jointly decided to continue their policy of allowing top tier football players to sexually assault co-eds.
“Our first string quarterback last year was accused of sexually assaulting a female on campus and he went on to win the Heisman Trophy,” said FSU spokesman Ronald McQueen. “It’s a winning strategy. It’s proven.”
“We’ve taken a page from the pros,” said UF spokesman Carla Barlow. “The Pittsburg Steelers led the way when their quarterback was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a bar and today that man wears a Super Bowl ring, two of them in fact.”
McQueen was quick to point out that, although there is no actual scientific evidence to prove that sexual battery makes a better quarterback, the anecdotal evidence is strong.
“That freshman from Florida comes into a losing game and gets a huge win in Tennessee, hours later he’s allegedly out sexually battering a woman on campus,” said McQueen. “I can’t believe we didn’t see the nexus earlier.
"Female students at our university know that we have a winning program and furthermore they realize that their potential rape is the price the student body has to pay for that tradition of excellence. Do you have any idea of the number of women raped at Notre Dame over the years?"
Blue chip high school quarterback Johnny Maverick of Highlands County (FL) High School, who is weighing scholarship offers from a number of Division 1 schools said that being able to sexually batter a coed at a school in Florida will narrow down his choice.
“I want to be the best quarterback I can be, and if a school in Florida will allow me to sexually assault a woman, well that’s a huge upside,” said Maverick.
Some of the state's smaller universities, including the University of South Florida and the University of Central Florida have declined to participate in the program.