PLANO, TX (AIP) – Local resident Carl Weatherman has angered officials in the federal government with his revolutionary discovery of a way to retain his personal privacy and defeat the National Security Administration’s attempt to capture and data mine his personal information and communications.
“I don’t go on Facebook or Twitter or any of those social media sites,” said Weatherman, an assistant manager at Walmart. “When I want to talk to someone I walk or bike or drive over to where they are and speak privately and quietly with them. Sometimes I send them an actual handwritten letter or card. And I mostly pay cash for the things I buy.”
At first officials at the NSA denied that Weatherman actually existed because of their inability to find any electronic trace of him. After being shown a picture and a copy of his driver’s license those same officials became angry.
“Doesn’t this guy know that he’s endangering national security?”, said NSA spokesman Colin Grew. “We’re going to have to check into this man’s background. How could he defeat us like that?
“We’ve contacted the Department of Juatice and they’re going to go through the Federal Statutes and see if there’s some law he’s breaking. If that isn’t successful then I’m sure Congress will act to require all citizens to use cell phones and the internet. We can’t keep an eye on them for their own good otherwise.”