Monday, October 13, 2014

Buccaneers Set New NFL Record

TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers set a new NFL record Sunday in their 48-17 loss to the Baltimore Ravens Sunday when 6,832 fans committed suicide with 28 seconds left in the first half of the game when field goal kicker Patrick Murray nailed the right upright and sent the ball careening outside the posts, botching up the field goal attempt and allowing the Ravens to maintain a 38-0 lead going into the half.

At that point most surviving fans agree that all hope was lost.

“That's when we lost all hope and my dad and his brothers – my five uncles – shot themselves in the head one after another on the patio,” said Tampa resident Kyle Conner. “I would have joined them but we ran out of ammo.”

Florida Highway Patrol Trooper MacKenzie MaGriff said that the sight of falling bodies from the picturesque Skyway Bridge, connecting St. Petersburg with Sarasota, was more than she could bare.

“Folks were jumping off the top of the bridge in droves,” said MaGriff. “It was literally raining men and women. It took 13 hours to clear the bridge of cars abandoned by suicide jumpers. Luckily Tampa Bay acts as a giant toilet that literally flushes the dead bodies out into the Gulf of Mexico so we aren’t faced with that nasty recovery and clean up problem.”

Twist Soul bar owner Kelly Craig had to bring in a hazmat team to remove the 60 bodies and clean the floor of blood at her popular Tampa Bay nightspot.

“There was brain matter and blood splatters everywhere,” said Craig. “I watched one patron attempt to cut his wrists with one of our butter knives. It took him over 10 minutes to open up a vein and bleed out.”

“We’ve had similar occurrences from 1976 to 1980 and then again in the mid 90’s,” said Hillsborough County Sheriff’s spokesman Michael Tompkins. “We don’t even investigate the individual deaths any more. Roughly 200 local folks kill themselves for every point that the Bucs lose by each Sunday. We only investigate if the death toll falls below that number.”

The Bucs have a bye week this coming Sunday and then host the Vikings on October 26 at 1:00p.m..

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