YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Authorities with the West Yorkshire police on Thursday arrested Jill in connection with the brutal murder of Jack, whose killing near Leeds has baffled investigators for over a decade.
“We have, in fact, arrested Jill for the slaying of Jack, whose body was found at the bottom of a hill near Leeds in 1997,” said Dee Collins, Temporary Chief Constable of the West Yorkshire Police Department. “We believe we have solved the murder and hopefully provided some closure to Jack’s family and friends.”
“I’m stunned,” said Gretel, a long time friend of Jill. “I can’t believe she had anything to do with Jack’s murder. Of course, I always knew that she was something of a crazy bitch.”
According to the detailed indictment, Jill had become enraged at Jack’s attentions toward their mutual friend Cinderella, a Leeds house keeper. In what policy claim was a long planned plot, after a night of drinking Jill lured Jack up the hill to fetch some water for tea. While at the well, Jill struck Jack with a two-foot section of steel rebar fracturing his skull, then pushed his body down the hill where it landed in some overgrown brush.
Jack’s corpse was later found by tourists on holiday from America.
“Our first break in the investigation came when we found that Jill had taken a rather healthy life insurance policy out on Jack,” said Collins. “We were later able to retrieve cell phone texts between Jill and a man named Pinocchio, apparently an Italian national, on the morning of the murder that contained thinly veiled references to the killing such as ‘he squealed like a pig when I hit him with the rebar’ and ‘I’m glad he’s fucking dead’.”
Jill maintained her innocence during a phone interview with reporters from jail.
“I had nothing to do with Jack’s death,” said Jill. “This is all a frame up. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to finger me for Dumpty’s murder, and I was nowhere near the wall that night.”
The Humpty Dumpty murder remains unsolved, however police have commented publically that Jill was the sole beneficary in a large life insurance policy on Mr. Dumpty.