Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Vatican Panel Announces Florida Findings

VATICAN CITY (AIP) - A team of catholic prelates, led by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone announced that his blue ribbon commission has traveled to Florida where they interviewed both incumbent Governor Rick Scott former Governor Charlie Crist, rivals in Florida’s gubernatorial election this November and found that neither man has a soul.

“We weren’t surprised in the lack of a soul in either one of these two beings,” said Bertone. “While the incidence of soulless beings in the general population is almost zero, among the political class beings without a soul are pretty much the rule and not the exception.”

According to Catholic doctrine, a soul is defined as the ‘ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel and will, and by which our bodies are animated’.

“Yeah, neither one of them have that,” said Bertone. “Not a scintilla of it.”

Bertone said that he and members of his commission spent hours interviewing both men.

"At first Governor Scott invoked his 5th amendment right not to answer our questions," said Bertone. "After he understood that we weren't investigating the legality of his former dealings he warmed up to us. We found, however, that inside he was as black as night."

Former Governor Crist gave the team a much warmer reception.

"He was a very nice man," said Bertone. "Unfortunately, we could find no core values in the creature."

The Vatican has been interviewing politicians for decades trying to locate one that might have a soul but without success.

"From Nixon right on down to Nancy Pelosi we've come up snake eyes," said Bertone. "Some guy named Cruz in Texas is a possible, but we aren't crossing our fingers."

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