Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Researchers Alarmed At Findings

CLEARWATER, FL (AIP) – Researchers closely monitoring the behavior of Deputy Clerk of the Court Andy Rawl, a court clerk this week assigned to cover a slip and fall lawsuit in circuit civil court, are alarmed that Rawl seems to have spent much of his time during the trial fantasizing about murdering virtually everyone else in the courtroom.

“Rawl is normally a pretty laid back guy,” said lead researcher Michael Nesbitt-Goins. “Some of his fantasys during this civil trial are pretty sick. Actually they are damn near medieval. Today he was thinking about watching the plaintiff’s attorney being drawn and quartered.”

When contacted by reporters Rawl, who has an historic and well known hatred of being assigned to cover civil trials, showed no remorse for his murderous fantasies.

“By the third day of the trial I wanted them all dead,” said Rawl, sipping a beer. “Hours and hours of monotonous, dull medical testimony. Inane questions from idiot attorneys. The court reporter kept asking the witnesses to talk slower, which only made things take longer.

“I pretty much had it under control until the plaintiff called a Cupcake Slip Accident Reconstruction Engineer as a witness. Somebody dropped a cupcake on the floor of a bakery and the plaintiff slipped and fell on it. The witness is supposedly an expert at reconstruction these type accidents.”

Reporters noted at this point in the interview that Rawl was becoming visibly upset as he spoke.

“What the fuck is that?” said Rawl. “Cupcake Accident specialist? You gotta be fucking kidding me. The guy makes $300 an hour testifying in cupcake cases? How many cupcake cases can there fucking be. Son of a bitch was on the stand for four hours. He stutters. All I could think of was how much I’d love to watch him be pulled apart on the rack.”

The trial is expected to last another three days. Researchers will monitor Rawl the entire time.

“We don’t expect that he will act on these sick fantasies,” said Nesbitt-Goins. “He never has before.”

“I want each one of those people in the courtroom to die a horrible, slow, painful death while I watch, including the jurors and they haven't even said anything,” said Rawl. “Why can’t God just kill them all?”

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