HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Speaking to a group of reporters at a hastily called news conference, Academy Award winning director and producer Steven Spielberg today apologized for “misleading the public into thinking that hope exists when in fact it really doesn’t”.
“Almost the entire body of my work is a lie,” said a sobbing Spielberg, dressed in a terry cloth bathrobe and boxer shorts and clutching a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in his hand. “I regret that whatever childish, light at the end of the tunnel pabulum I’ve created that you people have swallowed like the fluff girls on a porn film movie set.
“I’ve transferred a lot of wealth from the pockets of the American public into my own by absolutely misrepresenting the human condition. You’re all doomed people. Doomed.”
Spielberg is the director and producer of such classic films as E.T the Extra-Terrestrial, Gremlins,Goonies, Hook and the Indiana Jones movies. The vast majority of his films have warm, fuzzy ‘it all works out in the end’ feeling.
“Twenty Six Million Russians, both military and civilian, died during World War Two,” said Spielberg. “No little twerp with a lighted finger came from the stars to save any of them. They died ghastly deaths. I should have been making more realistic films.”
Spielberg vowed to make amends for what he called his “misspent” career.
“From now on, nothing but snuff porn,” he said. “Those are one hell of a lot closer to the truth than the shit I’ve made up till now.”
No mention was made of his latest work The Big, Warm, Happy, Fuzzy which was scheduled to open this week across the nation.