Monday, May 5, 2014

DLBM Agents Lay Siege

PINELLAS PARK, FL (AIP) – Agents from the Department of Library Book Management (DLBM) have surrounded and laid siege to the townhouse of retired bookkeeper Joshua Davenport Meyers here on Sunday to enforce payment of a $12.86 overdue library book checked out in 2013 and not returned until last Wednesday .

“He took the book and didn't return it within the two week checkout period,” said DLBM Undersecretary for Compliance Enforcement Ritter Daniels, speaking from the command post agents assembled early Sunday morning.  “We’re here to see that the man pays up.  It’s the law and it’s our job to see that the law is carried out.The Federal Government is damn serious about debt collection."

Fifty agents in kevlar body armor carrying assault rifles have surrounded the townhouse and cut off access at the nearest through street. Armored black Humvees  patrol the streets outside the residence.  Sniper teams have taken up positions on neighboring roof tops and at least two drone aircraft are patrolling the skies overhead in a concerted effort to force the 67- year old Meyers to pay his overdue fine, but have so far been unsuccessful.

Meyers, contacted by reporters before cell phone service was interrupted by authorities, said that he merely forgot to return the book and would be happy to pay the fine by the first of next week, when his social security check is deposited in this account.

“It was a copy of Voltaire’s Essay on Customs,” said Meyers.  “Who else the fuck really wants to read that?”

According to DLBM officials Meyers has a history of ignoring the Federal rules governing library book borrowing.  Records produced by the Department show that Meyers checked out Albert Camus’ The Stranger in 1972 and returned it with a page ear bent down.

“This man has a horrible history with library books,” said Ritter.  “The Department is here to see that that behavior comes to an end.”

Meanwhile, at a free speech zone federal agents set up 26 miles from the townhouse local supporters protested.

"This is RIDICULOUS," said protester Ray White, speaking in capital letters. "Nobody reads Voltaire.  Who really cares?"


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