Monday, May 19, 2014

Local Town Benefits From Pentagon Giveaway

MAYBERRY, NC (AIP) – Following up on its recent policy of gifting state and local police and sheriffs offices with military equipment  which the Pentagon feels has either become obsolete or has outlived its purpose, the Mayberry Sheriff’s Office is the latest proud recipient of 7 AGM-158 JASSM subsonic cruise missiles.

“This wonderful gift from the Department of Defense will go a long way toward leveling the playing field twixt us and the criminals and that’s a fact,” said Mayberry Sheriff Andy Taylor. “Barney and I will be much better equipped to fight fire with fire.”

The AGM-158 JASSM has a range of roughly 620 miles and files at about 500 miles per hour, carries either a conventional or nuclear warhead and can literally be programmed to fly right into the open window of its target. The Pentagon is not giving any of the nuclear versions away however.

"That was a little disappointing," said Taylor.

“Last time we had to go out to the Darling boy’s place there was a hell of a dust up,” said Taylor.  “That damn Briscoe Darling was all liquored up and pulled a gun on me.  These AGM missiles should put the kibosh on that shit. Just put one right down his chimney and problem solved.”

Mayberry has a population of 1327 according to 2013 census figures.  Last year the town had 3 burglaries, 17 shopliftings and 627 cases of domestic violence according to North Carolina State Police records.

“ Deputy Fife and his our mechanic Goober are marrying the AGM launch platform to the top of the squad car,” said Taylor.  “This advance crime fighting tool should come online within the next 72 hours.  The people of this town can finally feel safe. We are gonna kick some ass.”


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