Sunday, May 25, 2014

Fairytale Ends, Gretel Tells All

Encino, CA (AIP) - Gretel, having long kept silent about the events surrounding her abduction and subsequent escape from the Wicked Witch has finally admitted to her culpability in the death of Hansel, her erstwhile companion.

"We were just having fun,"said the 72-year old Gretel, now residing in the Aging Fairytale Character home in Encino. "We'd done a few lines of blow and Hansel decided that it would be an easy score. I mean who figures a militia member would live in a gingerbread house?

"Hansel went in first with the baseball bat and duct tape, like always, but the bitch popped up with the Sig Sauer. I saw Hansel's head explode like one of those Gallagher watermelons. Unreal. It was all pretty grim."

Gretel now admits she made up the abduction story and the oven incident that sent the Wicked Witch to California's gas chamber, the first woman to be put to death under Governor Jerry Brown's new "Get Tough on Witches" law.

"I mean, I feel bad about all that shit, but it was me or her," said Gretel. "Hansel and I had been corrupted by our close association with Jack and Jill. It was the drugs damn it."

Gretel also claimed to have never been Involed with Pinocchio's Red October terroist movement.

"I know he said the two of us were fucking, but he's a liar," she said breaking down tearfully.


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