South Hadley, MA (AIP) – The mastermind behind the
kidnapping of 337 girls in the freshman class at Mt. Holyoke College has been
captured and all of the kidnapped students have been safely returned to their
respective dormitories, according to local law enforcement officials.
“We got him and the girls are safe,” said South Hadley
police chief Conner West. “Michael
Greengeld, known as the notorious ‘Big Mike’, is in our custody and will be transferred
to the International Criminal Court at The Hague as soon as we can get him a
passport.”
“My client has done nothing wrong,” said attorney Kelvin
Matte, the assistant public defender assigned to represent Greengeld. “He took the girls down to Chili’s for a
couple drinks and a few of the parents got a little upset. Law enforcement is
acting like some kind of crime was committed here.”
“Oh, it’s a crime alright,” sad West. “The bastard is a
monster.”
Parents of the kidnapped girls were obviously relieved.
“Thank god they’re okay,” said Dr. Phillipe Glass, father of
one of the girls. “The son of a bitch that did this needs to hang.”
The mass kidnapping occurred last Tuesday, when parents
calling the college were unable to locate their daughters. Law enforcement, including agents for the Department
of Homeland Security, immediately began a search to find the missing
girls. Tipsters led them to Greengeld
who authorities say has a history of taking girls out for drinks.
The victims seemed remarkably unscathed by the ordeal.
“What’s the big deal?” said Crissy Pepperidge, a freshman majoring in Elizabethan Poetry in the college’s School of Useless Arts. “He bought us some
drinks and I think a couple of the girls had some sliders. The whole thing has been blown out of
proportion. My mom and dad always overreact.”
Management at Chili’s confirms that Big Mike and the girls
were in the bar at the South Hadley location, but stresses that the bill was
paid and there were no problems.
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