South Hadley, MA (AIP) – The mastermind behind the kidnapping of 337 girls in the freshman class at Mt. Holyoke College has been captured and all of the kidnapped students have been safely returned to their respective dormitories, according to local law enforcement officials.
“We got him and the girls are safe,” said South Hadley police chief Conner West. “Michael Greengeld, known as the notorious ‘Big Mike’, is in our custody and will be transferred to the International Criminal Court at The Hague as soon as we can get him a passport.”
“My client has done nothing wrong,” said attorney Kelvin Matte, the assistant public defender assigned to represent Greengeld. “He took the girls down to Chili’s for a couple drinks and a few of the parents got a little upset. Law enforcement is acting like some kind of crime was committed here.”
“Oh, it’s a crime alright,” sad West. “The bastard is a monster.”
Parents of the kidnapped girls were obviously relieved.
“Thank god they’re okay,” said Dr. Phillipe Glass, father of one of the girls. “The son of a bitch that did this needs to hang.”
The mass kidnapping occurred last Tuesday, when parents calling the college were unable to locate their daughters. Law enforcement, including agents for the Department of Homeland Security, immediately began a search to find the missing girls. Tipsters led them to Greengeld who authorities say has a history of taking girls out for drinks.
The victims seemed remarkably unscathed by the ordeal.
“What’s the big deal?” said Crissy Pepperidge, a freshman majoring in Elizabethan Poetry in the college’s School of Useless Arts. “He bought us some drinks and I think a couple of the girls had some sliders. The whole thing has been blown out of proportion. My mom and dad always overreact.”
Management at Chili’s confirms that Big Mike and the girls were in the bar at the South Hadley location, but stresses that the bill was paid and there were no problems.