WASHINGTON (AIP) – First Lady Michelle Obama, recognizing the abject failure of her school lunch initiative to help kids lose weight, is changing tactics in her fight against juvenile obesity and will begin her “You’ll Never Get Laid Being Fat” campaign nationwide starting Monday.
“The lunch thing wasn’t working worth a damn,” said Mrs. Obama. “The kids starved themselves instead of eating what’s good for them. Now I’m going to appeal to their egos.”
The administration has earmarked $17 million to support the “You’ll Never Get Laid” anti obesity campaign, including specially made instructional videos distributed to schools to show 4th through 8th graders the various sexual acts they will never experience unless they shave off the pounds.
“We’ve recruited several high end porn stars to make the videos and the stars will travel across the country talking to school groups about the extremely satisfying sexual escapades they’ve had as a result of being fit,” said Mrs. Obama. “We expect the programs to have a huge impact.”
Mrs. Obama said that the approach will be multi-pronged.
“One instructional game we’ll have the kids play is to get out different food choices – some nutritious and some not – and teach the kids to ask themselves ‘What Would Ron Jeremy Do?”, said the First Lady.