Thursday, May 1, 2014

Last Private Refinery To Close

Bethesda, MD (AIP) -The last privately owned bullshit refinery in the nation is closing at the end of the month, a victim of new federal regulations which owners say are driving them out of business and costing hundreds of American jobs.

"The government is putting us out of business, like it has all the other bullshit refineries," said Franklin Friday, 3rd generation refinery owner. "The Feds have wanted a monopoly on bullshit production for 50 years and it looks like they’re finally getting it. The only bullshit available after the end of this month will come straight from the government.

“The EPA issued a whole new set of rules regulating the MAPE (maximum allowable pungency emissions) that we can’t possibly meet in the time frame mandated and then exempted themselves from those regulations.”

At the height of private production there were 27 bullshit refineries operating in the United States. Texas alone boasted four. Now they're all gone.

"The Fed has built an incredibly large bullshit refinery near D.C. and can produce more bullshit at a lower cost than we can," Said Friday. "They’re using tax dollars to subsidize bullshit production.”

Federal officials agree that the government will be the sole producer of bullshit in the future, but say they haven’t driven anyone out of business. They argue that it’s the poor quality of privately refined bullshit that has driven private firms out of business.

"The government can refine bullshit to a purity that the private sector can only dream about," said Malcolm Glades, deputy director of bullshit operations at the Washington-area plant. "Privately produced bullshit is only about 60 percent pure. It’s contaminated with a healthy amount of truth. Federal government bullshit is 99 percent pure bullshit, there's no truth in it."

Glades expects that the quantity of bullshit coming from the government will increase exponentially in the coming months.

"Our goal is to be at maximum production by November," said Glades.

Meanwhile Bullshit Detector sales are down 60 percent this year.

"It’s like people don’t even want to identify bullshit anymore", said Riley Scott, president of the Bullshit Detector Trade Association.


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