Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Stock Takes Huge Hit in Trading

New York City (AIP)- Shares of Yum! Brands (YUM), corporate parent of Kentucky Fried Chicken, took a huge hit Monday, falling from its opening price of $74.32 to $28.07 at the closing bell as investors sought to distance themselves from the company on news that founder Col. Harland David Sanders was never actually a colonel.

“The American people don’t want to be lied to when they’re making dining choices,” said Goldburg Marks stock analyst Trembley Goforth. “All these years Sanders held himself out as a Colonel and now we find that Captain was the highest rank he ever held.”

The revelation came with the release of Sander’s grandson Colby Sanders book “Deep Fry of Lies”, which hit bookstores Monday. The book confirms the long whispered rumor that Harland Sanders fabricated his military service history.

“Granddad only held the rank of brevetted Captain for a short time during the Spanish American War,” writes the younger Sanders, whose history of drug and alcohol abuse is well known among Hollywood insiders. “He was stationed in Tampa, Florida when Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders shipped out to Cuba. Granddad was in supply and ordinance. He thought if he called himself ‘Colonel’ more people would eat that fucking chicken.”

“I see the company going belly up in no time,” said Goforth. “Let’s face it; Burger King really is a scion of the House of Windsor. We’ve vetted that fact. And Long John Silver really does have a ‘long john’- a tape measure will prove that up. With so much truth available, why eat dinner at a liar’s place?”

The Department of Justice has an ongoing investigation into Sanders’ possible violation of the federal Stolen Valor Act and refused to comment.

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