WASHINGTON (AIP) – The Food and Drug Administration today issued an order requiring tobacco giant KR Turnbull to halt both domestic and international sales of its new flavored cigarettes, alleging that the new product line was intended to target young people and get them addicted to nicotine.
“This is just one more attempt by the federal government to interfere with private industry,” said KR Turnbull attorney Michael Jane-Milo. “I can’t believe that the American people would stand by and let this kind of thing happen.”
“They are targeting children with this product,” said FDA spokesman Clive Monte. “Bubble gum flavored cigarettes? Twizzler flavored? Twinkie flavored? It’s a thinly veiled attempt to introduce children to tobacco.”
Jane-Milo strenuously disagrees.
“That’s bullshit, adults chew bubble gum,” he said. “Adults eat Tinkies and Twizzlers.”
The new product line, which includes cigarettes flavored to taste like chocolate ice cream, Coco Puffs, Captain Crunch, library paste and pencil erasers has been “wildly successful” according to Jane-Milo.
“When we first came out with the cigarettes our customers would get an action figure with the purchase of each pack of cigarettes,” said Jane-Milo. “We are currently attempting to sign Justin Bieber as our product spokesman and star in our new Saturday morning show What The Cool Kidz Are Doing. This new FDA ruling will negatively impact that project.”
The FDA ruling will have no effect on KR Turnbull’s foray into the adult beverage market and it’s 90 proof liquor – a Kool Aid flavored bourbon – will continue to be available.