Friday, June 6, 2014

Warner Upset In Senate Race

RICHMOND, VA (AIP) – In a stunning election night upset here Tuesday, incumbent Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) suffered an overwhelming defeat at the hands of surprise write-in candidate Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation.

“What can I say, I’m stunned,” said Warner, speaking to supporters at his reelection headquarters in Richmond. “Who could have seen this coming? I’m speechless.”

Putin, who mounted no campaign and whose name was never even mentioned as a possible candidate up to and including election day garnered 87 percent of the vote with 96 percent of precincts reporting. It is the most lopsided senatorial election since Reconstruction.

“It’s about time we sent someone to Washington who will get something done,” said Richmond resident Marcus Dickinson, a plumber. “I mean the guy does what he says he’ll do. He’s a kick ass and take names kinda guy and that’s what we need to break the gridlock that has frozen Congress.”

University of Virginia Political Science Profession Dr. Charles Hatfield wasn’t surprised at all. Hatfield points out that in the 2006 senate elections Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell barely fought off a reelection challenge by write in candidate Kim Jong-il, President the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea.

“The voters are tired of having sunshine and roses blown up their ass,” said Hatfield. “They wanted a Senator who will actually do something, anything.”

“I just had to vote for him,” said Milley Camposte, a Norfolk, VA, housewife. “I saw that picture of him squatting shirtless in the snow over the body of the leopard he had killed with his bare hands and thought that he would make a really great Senator. Warner hasn’t got a six pack like that.”

A pleased Putin, speaking to supporters via Skype from his dacha outside Moscow, promised quick action after he is sworn in this January.

“We will immediately send troops to our border with West Virginia,” said a shirtless Putin, standing over the body of the cougar he had killed with his bare hands. “We will stop the violence being perpetrated against Native Virginians in that region and if necessary retake that renegade Provence known as West Virginia which has historically been a part of the Commonwealth of Virginia.”


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