Army Hero Passes Away

Arlington, VA (AIP)- GI Joe, whose storied military career spanned from the early 1960's to the late 1990's was buried today with full military honors in a Nike shoe box at the Arlington National Cemetery.

"GI Joe was 12 inches of plastic molded hero,” said Army Chief of staff General Quinton Frazer. "We have lost something pretty special. I mean, he had his issues. We all do. He often said that he loved the Army because he enjoyed being around other men.”

Joe, who began military career in 1964 as a private first class was unable to advance to higher rank during his 30 year hitch with the Army. Disillusioned by his failure to receive promotion he eventually left the Army and hired himself out as a private security professional. He worked as a bodyguard for Muammar Gaddafi in Libya for a brief time in the 1990’s and then became chief of security for Vladimir Putin in 2009.

He was rumored to be romantically linked with Barbie and later, after her tragic death from an overdose at Los Angeles’s notorious Viper Room, with Malibu Barbie. Those rumors were dispelled in 1996 when Joe was interviewed on the CBS show “60 Minutes” and came out as a strong supporter of President Bill Clinton’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. At the end of that interview he famously hinted with a wink of his eye for Morley Safer not to ask the next question because he wouldn’t tell.

After his retirement from security work Joe, who always claimed to love children, spent much of his time as a camp counselor, a junior high school music teacher, a YMCA youth coach, a preschool teacher and working as a clown at children’s birthday parties. He often took neighborhood boys out into the wilderness for extended camping trips.