NEW YORK (AIP) – American Airlines, the nation’s largest commercial passenger carrier, citing increased fuel costs and a drop in travel announced today that it would begin charging a fee of $125 for each customer who boards a domestic or international flight with excess emotional baggage.
“It’s only fair,” said American spokesman Thomas Lafferety. “Folks who travel with us and are uncomfortable with their sordid lives, horrible pasts and hopeless futures should pay their fair share. Well adjusted passengers have historically been footing a disproportionate cost for air travel.”
Lafferety said that American Airlines has partnered with the Church of Scientology to install E-meters at its boarding gate to gage the weight of emotional baggage that each passenger is carrying. Too heavy and the $125 fee kicks in.
“The whole process is very quick,” said Lafferety. “It shouldn’t add any wait time to the present security preflight check of our customers.”
Long time business flier Katie Cummings, a Sterling Chase Investments vice president, is unhappy with the new fee.
“I’ve had three ruined marriages,” said Cummings, visibly upset with the announced added charge. “I’ve had to sleep my way to the top of my profession, which means that I drink quite a bit just to be able to live inside my own skin. Perhaps if my father had cared a little more and paid more attention to me I wouldn’t have to pay out the ass just to fly to San Francisco.”
Ronco Corporation salesman Marty Marlin, who flies several times a month for business and has a stable and fulfilling life, disagrees.
“I feel good about myself and my life,” said Marlin. “I think it’s only fair that those people whose lives are defined by past failures and future fears should pay their fair share.”
“We want all of our customers to be happy,” said Lafferety. “Unfortunately for us, many of them never will be. Those fliers are going to have to pay extra for bringing the rest of our customers down.”