ADAMAWA, NIGERIA (AIP) – The fundamentalist Islamic group Boko Haram on Tuesday kidnapped the last free woman in Nigeria according to government officials, taking her at gun point from a nail salon in the capitol city of Abuja in a sleek Mercedes Benz roadster with the song “Your Love is Driving Me Crazy” by Sammy Hagar blaring from the car's sound system and clearly audible to horrified onlookers, who were unable to get a license plate number.
“We are outraged,” said President Jonathan Goodluck. “Those people now hold every woman in the country, almost 81.2 million women and girls. We are doing everything we can to find them.”
Nigerian army spokesman Col. Anderson Dumbluck said that military forces are sweeping the area between Nigeria and Chad in a desperate search for the women, thus far without any luck. The United States and France have augmented local forces with drones and baguettes.
“We are following every lead,” said Dumbluck. “This Boko Haram group is damn clever.”
Meanwhile, Boko Haram fighters have issued a plea to the United Nations for relief, citing the need for immediate aid to avert what it called a “potential humanitarian crisis.”
“We need food, clothing and medicines,” said Boko Haram spokesman Blaine Potluck in a message to the United Nations General Assembly in New York Wednesday morning. “And most of all we need about 180 or so Keurig coffee makers. These women can put away a lot of java.
“And if you’re making a list we’ve had some requests for hair conditioner, fuzzy socks, Cosmopolitan magazines and hand lotion.”
United States First Lady Michelle Obama tweeted “Let our girls go to the tanning salon” Tuesday night in hopes of putting an end to the ordeal.
“She damn near got to us with that tweet,” said Potluck, speaking to reporters from an undisclosed location via cell phone. “I mean, we were this close to letting the women go.”