Monday, June 9, 2014

Jury Acquits Three In McCabe Murder

CLEARWATER, FL (AIP) – A jury of eight women and four men, after deliberating for less than 10 minutes on Tuesday, returned a verdict of not guilty in the murder trial of three codefendants accused of killing Molly McCabe, the woman widely known as perhaps the most egregious violator of the universal principle of never telling friends that ‘I told you so’.

“This is yet another incidence of jury nullification,” said Assistant State Attorney Kristen Copper, who prosecuted the case and argued to the jury that the three codefendants beat the McCabe to death over a period of several hours. “DNA evidence put those three defendants at the scene and they took turns punching and kicking her until she died. The jury’s verdict is outrageous.”

Defense attorney Brian Mingor, who represented all three defendants, argued that his clients were completely justified in their actions. It was an argument that the jurors agreed with.

“Sure, my people beat her to death, but who wouldn’t?” said Mingor. “Let’s face it, she was a royal pain in the ass, always telling people ‘I told you so’ just when things had gone wrong for my clients. The jury understood that.”

McCabe was famous for her perchance for seeing the folly in her friends lack of good judgment and the foreseeing the predictable results of that folly and was wholly unable to refrain from reminding them that she ‘told them so’.

“The jury clearly understood that McCabe absolutely deserved to die,” said Mingor.

Defendant Megan Monroe continually dated married men and couldn’t understand why her relationships never worked out. Defendant Charlie Sapphire was known to frequent prostitutes and contracting sexually transmitted diseases despite being a married father of four. Defendant Deborah Cummings was forever buying ‘miracle products’ seen on television infomercials and then bemoaning the fact that they didn’t perform as advertised.

Mingor argued that victim McCabe ‘just wouldn’t let it alone’.

“There was always the ‘I told you so’ moment with her,” Mingor argued in closing statements to the jury. “Miss McCabe was a bitch with the ‘I to you so’. Who wouldn’t have killed her?”


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