Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Researchers Announce Important Finding

PALO ALTO, CA (AIP) – Researchers at the Veterans Administration Palo Alto Mental Health Training Facility today released the results of a 5-year long study that has found that each year in the United State over 16,000 men and women die as a result of a psychological inability to have a bowel movement while in a work environment.

“We were amazed,” said lead researcher Cunningham Bogart. “We studied death certificates of over 12 million people over a five year period and found that a sizeable number of those who died early died from an inability to crap. We’re not talking about having a bowel obstruction or even extreme constipation. These folks just can’t take a dump while at work.”

Bogart’s team interview over 12,000 sufferers over the 5-year study and found three main causes individuals inability to “do their business” while at work.

“The vast majority were afraid that co-workers would hear them grunting or pushing and the resulting ‘farting’ that accompanies such efforts,” said Bogart. “Secondly sufferers were afraid that co-workers would be offended by the rancid smell released from the gastric tract. And finally they were afraid of the sound of fecal matter splashing into the water in the toilet bowl.”

Charlie Johnson, an office manager at Sears in Reno, NV. , agreed.

“I can’t let my people hear me take a dump,” said Johnson. “I’ve literally held it so long that I’ve shit myself on the drive home after work, which is preferable to being overheard making those sounds in the stall.

“I really envy Bill in house wares. I’ve heard him dropping the kids off at the pool from the number 2 stall. I’ve actually heard him grunting like a pig and then laughing. He comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face, the lucky bastard.”

Bogart is urging the Federal government to begin a national program to assure people that it’s alright to do Number 2 at work.

“The ‘It’s Ok To Crap’ campaign could really help a lot of folks suffering from this horrible condition,” said Bogart. “Sally Struthers has already agreed to make public service commercials and we’ve got Justin Bieber writing a song in support.”

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