Monday, June 16, 2014

World Famous Cat Found Dead

Starke, FL (AIP) – Corky the Cat who gained international fame as the “Comforter of the Dying” and was featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes and NBC’s Nightline for her ability to predict who would die next and then spend time with that unfortunate soul was found dead on the grounds of the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility late Tuesday night.

Corky, famous for prowling the halls of Live Oak with her collar bell tinkling and stealing into the rooms of soon to die residents had the remarkable ability to sense which resident would pass away next and cuddle up in bed with the terminal patient, was found beheaded and nailed to a tree just outside the facility’s entrance.

“Fucking cat was 28 and 0 prediction-wise,” said longtime resident Waylon McMichael, at 98 the oldest resident at Live Oak. “Hearing that bell sauntering down the hallway gave me the willies in the middle of the night. Slow Johnny would actually piss himself every time he caught sight of her. I don’t know who killed her, but I’m forever grateful.”

Starke Police Chief Kyle Sage said that his office has devoted extensive manpower and resources to find the killer or killers.

“We’ve interviewed all of the Live Oak residents and oddly no one seems to have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary,” said Sage. “Old folks traditionally don’t sleep well so we believe someone heard or saw something. The forensic evidence seems to indicate that Corky was alive and conscious when the head was severed so that would like mean one perpetrator likely held the body while another did the sawing.”

“Who gives a shit,” said Martha Gumball, and 87-year old retired Unitarian Minister who’s been a resident of Live Oak for six years. “We’re all just relieved that the horrible bitch is gone.”

Oddly, since Corky’s demise the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility, which historically has lost an average of 12 residents a month, has reported no deaths.


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