Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Researchers Make Unexpected Discovery

ATLANTA (AIP) – Officials at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced Friday that they have located what they believe to be is the last non-medicated adult in the United States.

Ronald Johnson, a 47-year old assistant manager at a Jacksonville, FL, Wal-Mart has astonishingly lived his entire life without the benefits of the pharmaceutical industry.

“I had no idea I was the only one,” said Johnson, who has been taken to an undisclosed location for observation and spoke to reporter by phone. “I’ve just been kind of living my life. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad or angry, but I figured that was just how life is.”

Blood tests and metadata mining run on Johnson prove conclusively that he’s never taken lithium, xanax, clozapine, risperidone, carbamazepine, cholinesterase inhibitors, memantine, ativan, cilas,benzodiazepines or any of the host of medications that fill the medicine cabinets of all Americans.

“Naw,” said Johnson. “I’ve never taken any of those things.”

“I don’t know how this guy isn’t an absolute train wreck,” said CDC senior research fellow Dr. Maurice Patel. “He doesn’t drink or smoke or do street drugs or otherwise self-medicate. Statistics say that he should have blown his brains out years ago.”

Johnson, by his own account, has lived a normal life without medical help.
“I got married, had a couple great kids, got divorced,” said Johnson. “I’ve lost a job or two. My parents were both killed in a rollercoaster accident several years back. I’ve lived a normal life. I feel fine.”

Asked if he expected to need pharmaceutical help in the future, Johnson shrugged off the idea.

“I see those Cialis commercials and laugh,” said Johnson. “I still achieve wood. No problem.”

Officials plan to hold Johnson and study his habits and behaviors a while longer.

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